Your love and value is from God and not tied to this Earth but tied to your father
Do not let the ambiguity of boys and their intention play with your feelings
You are great and vast and made in the image and likeness of a loving father who sees you and has great plans for you
I am sure the Lord wept for me, even when I was not ready.
How you saw me and felt the things I tried to ignore, how you wept even when I could not. Then you cried with me again when I was ready to let go. I could say thank you for the rest of my life and not give you the gratitude you deserve.
may his hands always reach out to praise and worship you before they ever reach for mine
How you inflict this pain on yourself with the guiding hand of the enemy
Yet I will always blot away your stains and tears with my soft cloth of grace
That you may know me and catch a glimpse of the eternal love I have for you
It is weird feeling how much I am stared at while walking around Nairobi. Though on Saturday around 10 is my favorite time to be out there are hip kids out and I feel like I am stared at less. This being said I have a few observations: one is that on the condom boxes at the store there were only white woman in semi-erotic poses which it seems weird that there are white woman pictured on these being sold in a african country, it is odd that the were all white, no diversity. Also at the store many of the advertisements for beautify stuff were white woman, even with a brand I have only seen in Kenya, then the advertisements for clothes and such were often either white people or more light skinned africans, I don’t know if I ever saw one with a very dark complexion, maybe one. There were also lots of hair relaxers sold. All of this makes me think a lot about beauty standards and about racial relations and power and the pressure on woman to look a certain way and the sorts. None of the condoms packages had men on them and most of the beauty stuff, even skin care were woman pictured and in commercials. I have definitely read about white washing and the preference of european beauty and african woman not feeling as pretty as a white woman but it was interesting and saddening to see clues of it within an african nation. This has me questioning how one can make a change in such as issue.
Thinking of Louisville I get a weird mix of joy to see my family and Monica, and familiarity, and some nice places I have gone to in the past and like to go to now. Yet it also holds lots of sadness and wanting to avoid certain areas because people I went to high school will be there and hating high school. When I pick my sister up at school it is a weird mix of being excited and happy to see see her yet also being reminded of how shitty high school was and running into girls that I would like to avoid for the rest of my life. Thinking about Louisville I get this weird feeling in my stomach of a mix of sadness and sort of anxiety. It is a weird mix of feelings and memories and the sorts. I am unsure if there is any way to change my feelings or if it is something I just need to train myself to think of another way or if I shall just have it be and eventually move away and forget about Louisville.
26 June 2017
I felt so troubled after being at this school we visited in the slums of Nairobi but at the moment I could not put reason behind it all. Today it all came together, there is corruption in the leader of the school, yet a foundation that is trying to partner with us continues to give money to the dean money. Of the money they give half goes in his pocket and the other portion goes to the orphans and improving the school. The children sleep in rooms the size of a large closet with bunk beds and sometimes are stacked up to 3. They only have sheets, they have no lights and some children even have to share a twin bed. They have no space for their belongings (if they have any) some don’t even have soap and have only ripped tattered uniforms to live in. The money they donate does not add up to the living conditions of these children, and they are mixing street children with orphans in the same room. Then to hear one was abused by a teacher days before his exam to see if he could get scholarships for high school. Yet this organization refuses to see these things, they do not step in but instead continue to give funding to this corrupt and cruel man. I do not trust their judgment on people anymore, or their work. The school for Gods sake has peeling paint everywhere, no electricity, no computers and yet they think their work is doing so well. I cannot even fathom it. It is like he is walking all over these children for his own profit. I suppose my take away from this is to be careful who you donate your money to because your money is powerful.
Currently Listening to The Universe Smiles Upon You by Khuangbin, and trying to calm down a bit
I am Woman – Helen Reddy
You Don’t Own Me – Lesley Gore
Just a Girl – No Doubt
U.N.I.T.Y. – Queen Latifa
Crimson Wave – Tacocat
When I Was a Boy – Dar Williams
It is my 7th day in Kenya and today I am upset. I am once again surrounded by men, I feel like I am always either around small children or men.
We began our school visit by having a little meeting and one of the fellows I was with went on a long aside during a meeting about what he looks for in students he would sponsor. He talked about how he wants someone with big dreams that have already taken steps to achieving their dreams and have done all they can. Yet when he was talking instead of using the words like them or student he specifically said man every time and then said he “hopes I find one like that someday too”. In the moment I chuckled and I am mad at myself for that. I wish I had the words to say what I believe. After that we toured the school some and then had lunch. At lunch the head master made a comment on how Paul should not be helping with cooking lunch, and that it gives woman pride and joy to cook and take care of men. You cannot make statements like that. I do not want to deny that it does give some woman joy and may give them joy from time to time, but maybe not all the time. There should not be a cookie cutter mold for what a woman should do and be and feel. I have been hanging out with so many men I just need some woman. Most of the time we do not spend much time with the woman because they are cooking and cleaning and the men are the ones showing the visitors around.
In time I will be successful, bold, powerful, help girls dream big, help men be feminist to not conform to traditional masculinity. That men feel like they can be emotional that they value family and marriage, that they can follow what they want no matter what and for girls to be able to dream big and to do what they want as well. In the moment I will speak my mine more.